My family lives in the eye of my storm

I am like a one-mom production crew when it comes to the life my family lives.  I have been SO stressed out with new changes at work, new changes in our routines, things I keep forgetting until the last moment, money, bills, everyone else's needs.... you get the idea.  I had a 20 minute meeting with my calendar this morning and consulted all the hidden places I keep stashing all the things I need to do and tried to get it all in a centralized location.  Time will tell if I was successful in this feeble attempt at organization.  BREATHE

Need to fit in some afternoon/evening stretching/yoga/exercise.  I have been dealing with tension headaches for the past week (I also think an evil bra was a contributor as well).  My more-wonderful-than-usual husband was kind enough to try and work out a tiny percentage of the kinks running down from my skull to mid back.  I have this nagging feeling that getting back into a good full body stretching/exercise routine would be EXTREMELY helpful.  Have I convinced my lazy booty to do it yet?  Well... no, not completely... but I will attempt it.  Small steps. 

Also, what the hell is up with increased flab with no weight gain??  The scale today told me 170.8 which made me perfectly happy and yet... there are areas of flab that are much more grab-able and squishy.  WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?  Not nice... maybe my body is trying to convince my brain to get focused on the task at hand. 

Here we go... wish me luck!

Look OUT! The food pyramid is crashing to the ground!

HAH!  Did I really say "portion control"????  Yeah... okay... maybe a teeny bit of that going on.  It's been snack city around here today.  In my weak defense, I was a work-a-holic today with little time for making good eating choices.  The kids and I ate a loaf of banana bread.  That was our lunch and snacks.  Balanced?  Not even close, but hey, it could've been a drive through just to keep us going.  Of course that would have required my leaving the house which is not commonplace when work is keeping me busy.  Pizza for dinner and the one redeeming item... SALAD!!  With a high fat dressing!!  Yes I have read every diet tip, I have taken classes taught by dietitians.  What I am saying is, YES... I know better.  To top it off, we went to a football game and when I told the kids they could buy one snack item each they also brought back popcorn "for your snack mom!" so of course I had to eat that and now I wanna HURL.  Once made of corn... maybe.  Now has more chemical entities than a mad-scientist's lab... definitely.  EW, stomach ache express here we come!

Going walking in the AM, by myself if I must... oh and water, water, WATER!

Stagnant like a slimy pond

So this week my scale seems to be broken.  Blame it on the inanimate object without feelings.  On the plus side... not gaining for not trying real hard.  Consciously working on portion size and control.  For the first time in my life I am able to look at the food left before me knowing I am no longer hungry and NOT shovel it in until I burst.  That's right, I have even thrown it away!  I don't have to eat it because it tastes good or because it shouldn't go to waste or hell, even the usual: it's there.

Although I am not making progress I should be proud that I am strong and I have changed my life-long habits that were causing me constant grief!  So why am I still not jazzed?  Who knows, my mood has taken a plummet, probably just life crowding in and blocking the sun while the dark dirty algae multiplies in my soul.  Ok, ok, so it's not that bad.... anyone who knows me knows that I never sink that low (or rarely anyway).  So I'm just going to deal with the things within my realm of control and those that I can't, well... screw 'em! 

Slowly progressing toward wanting to exercise again.  Goal for this week is to take advantage of the last of the beautiful fall weather and get outside!  Only I can make me.

New week and... blah blah blah you know the rest

Almost forgot to hop on the scale this morning, that's how little I have been caring lately about tracking and managing my weight goals.  Dang it!  Why am I struggling?  Not really sure...  Seems that I am happy to be where I am at, but then again.... not really.  I am so ecstatic to not be making excuses of why my clothes don't fit or why I am hovering over the 200 lbs mark.  But there is still alittle piece of me that has now become accustomed to being back at a much more reasonable size for my body and now thinks ICK! YOU SHOULD BE DOING BETTER THAN THIS!  And what proactive and motivating activity does this alter-ego push me to do?  Run a mile? no... Ride my bike? no....  Go for a walk? no, no, no!  Take a bath and crawl into bed in the afternoon?  BINGO! 

Who doesn't battle with self-sabotage?  We all do everyday.  I don't care if someones life appears magical from the outside, even the most confident and happiest people are plagued with self doubt.  We fight it every minute of every day.  The most important weapon when fighting the bloody battle within your own brain is to always find the tiniest shred of a positive side to cling on to.  What's mine?  I have an amazing support system!  I have a husband who is FINALLY on board with getting healthier and making positive changes.  I have found a group of truly amazing and brave women who not only push me and encourage me to keep trying but are honest with each other and themselves.  Women live in a world that makes it so hard to be real and talk about the nitty gritty and be confident that we won't be stoned in a public square for being open and honest.  I also am confident in most of the decisions I make for my family.  Sometimes I screw it up, but whatever, can't go back and change it, so work with it and move forward, right?

So here we go!  Working with it and moving forward!
(And my wieght today? A yo-yo-ing 174)

Further proof that I am vanishing

I really thought this time I would be able to not burn myself out by not writing every day.  Here I am again self-destructing!  Well not yet anyway.  Just got a little shocker and had to share.  Had to remind myself to get on the scale this morning and write it down.... which I did and not much has changed in a couple weeks.  I decided to update my little tracker on the side and realized it was about damn time I took my measurements again (as much as I dread it and think it's pointless) since it's been, what, like 5 months??  At my last measurement I had lost 1 measley inch in the whole 4 months of tracking.  So after 5 months more of NO tracking.... add another 10 inches of disappearing flesh!!  WHAT??  IMPOSSIBLE!!  Not all in one area of course but spread over hips, waist and bust.  Six inches vaporized just from my waist though!!  YEAH!!!  So after bandaging my toe from dropping the tape measure on it in the heat of the moment, here I am at the keyboard again.

ROUND 2

SO I took a few months off... yeah so what? 
Actually, I really felt like I was getting no where and it's hard to write about it and be honest when you aren't really trying.  Somehow though, in the midst of all my wallowing in self pity and negativity... I met some great ladies and made some friends (shocking, I know).  This was a HUGE boost to my outlook and life improved, I started trying again, yada yada yada...

One of my fabulous new friends has been overcoming her own hurdles with weight loss and is seeing fantastic results!  She is much more dedicated than I am (yeah most people are) and pushes me to get my big ole booty moving.  With tremendous focus, dedication and support (that last one is where I came in at) she has shed 50 pounds!!  Yeah you better believe I am keeping her around!

With my slightly less enthusiastic ways I was somehow able to lose some weight myself.  Since I started keeping this blog way back at the first of the year, I have lost up to, but not exceeding: 35 pounds.  Impressive you say??  Well... that was a couple of weeks ago and ever since I got home from vacation I haven't been tracking or putting out the effort.  AH! STOP IT!  STOP IT NOW!  I really don't want to undo all the awesomeness of wearing smaller sizes and having to get new clothes.  NEED TO STAY ON TOP! 

Yes... Life has been full of more ups and downs then usual, but that relly should be NO excuse.  Time to start weighing myself every morning again and tracking what is working/not working.  Time to clear all the clutter off of the abandoned treadmill and hop back on.  Oh wait a minute... unpacking from vacation, I realized I somehow managed to get home with only one of my good walking shoes.  How the hell did I do that you ask?  Shucks, I don't know... typical though.  So FIRST I need to go get a pair of walking shoes.  I guess if I buy the same ones I really can say I have 2 left feet (haha, lame joke I know).  So shoes... then treadmill!

Goals: Weigh in the morning, lots more water, smaller portions

New Day New Start

Sadly, I have fallen off the wagon many times in the last month... So much dedication at first and then... blah...

But I had planned on making a new start and I woke up to an unusually beautiful day with the sun smiling brightly at me!  Hooray!  Ready to make a fresh start!  Going to get my excercise outside today and soak up some much needed vitamin D.