One year... 36 lbs

Just about a year ago I finally got fed up with the sheer volume of how much of me there was to love.  We had just moved, hubs was on the job hunt yet again, and life was full of unexpected twists and turns.  I wasn't able to keep up.  Everyday my body ached and cried out for less to lug around.  I was lonely and depressed.  So the journey began.  Lets see what worked and didn't...
*Bought treadmill and good shoes...
Definitely helped jump start things.  Thank goodness for Netflix and networks who stream their shows.  The distraction would keep me on for up to 90 mins at a time.  Shoes that I liked and felt good certainly gave me one less reason why I didn't want to.  Finding the time wasn't always easy, but then again I love to make excuses.
*Started taking multi vitamins...
On the advice of a friend, I tried Spark (Advocare) first.  Yes it initially gave me energy, and an annoying stomach ache.  After a week or two the effects wore off and I gave up.  Researched various nutrients and minerals with emphasis on women's health, weight loss, and depression.  Found a formula that seemed to have a nice balance of what I felt would be important to me.  I could feel a subtle difference overall and do think this helped get my chemistry balanced.
*Found a local meetup.com group...
Depression is a vicious cycle and loneliness was killing me.  Faced my social fears and forced myself out of the house.  While there are MANY benefits to working at home, social interaction is not one of them.  I was so lucky to find a group of women that were welcoming and had similar interests right off the bat.  I know this isn't typical and sometimes it takes many tries and I was prepared for the trial and error. 
*Got a walking partner...
As the spring and summer allowed, I got out there with a friend and walked away our issues.  Talk about inexpensive therapy!!  I think most of our walks were spent airing our grievances about husbands, kids, our thighs, life in general.  But at least we had a healthy release and we both felt soooo much better every single time.  We also shared so many epiphanies about health and weight loss and mental blocks.  This step in my healthy journey was by far the most effective.
*Water, water, more water...
I find that if I have a glass of water with a straw in it at the ready, I will drink it without a second thought.  Peeing all day is a little annoying, but I watched the scale tip in my favor almost every day.  There are many times that I start slacking on the water and the stubbornness of the needle on the scale is proof positive that water and LOTS of it is essential.

Yes I still have my struggles and challenges.  Yes I still have dark and lonely days, but more often I have good ones.  I am 36 lbs lighter (as of this morning) and I have clothes that fit.  I don't end everyday in pain.  I don't need medications to make me feel normal (I was teetering for a time).  I can find small victories everyday and even sometimes... joy!

I'm a work in progress and I always will be.  But I like me.

What's my body shape? I'd have to say "Big Bird"

The feeling of being 'tiny' was fleeting.  Probably back in August, I hit a point in my weight loss journey where my body was changing more rapidly than my amazed mind could keep up with.  I felt so little!  Measureably, not much has changed since then although I am comfortably in the smallest size pants I have worn in 10 years. 

Now I see all the lumps and bumps again.  Where did they come from?  Where they there in August?  How did I not notice them before??  And what the heck are these flabby hunks of flesh taking up residence on my ribcage?!  Humpf!  I know, I know, it's so very easy to see the dark, self-loathing aspect of it all instead of congratulating myself on how far I've come. 

On a positive note, I've started doing Zumba which after 2 classes I have decided to start taking tylenol pre-emptively.  Yeah it's beating me up!  I enjoy the movement and the crazy enthusiastic women who don't give a crap how insane they get when they are in the zone.  They're awesome!  Tonight and tomorrow are flashmob rehearsals with the mobbing happening tomorrow afternoon somewhere in Seattle.  Really excited about that, it's a fun routine!  And if it rains... we'll stand under my umbrella... ella... ella...

Siren Song of the Candy Monster

It calls to me...
It promises to soothe all my bad feelings for at least a second or two...

Somehow I realize that once again I am standing in front of the Halloween bucket of candy with an empty wrapper falling from my fingertips.  Ugh, I didn't even want this stupid hunk of chocolate, so why am I eating it??  Because it's there.  There never has to be any other reason than simply... because it's here.  Normally, I let the kids devour as much as their little tummies can handle on the night of trick-or-treating, brush their teeth and call it done!  But this year we're all fighting colds and not feeling the greatest so I limited their intake.  But at what cost?  My waistline and sanity, that's what!  Stupid candy calls to me all day long and when the kids ask for it, I am able to put their health first and say no.  Why can't I say no to myself?  I need a plan to make it disappear that doesn't include it entering my mouth. 

After I have just one more...

My family lives in the eye of my storm

I am like a one-mom production crew when it comes to the life my family lives.  I have been SO stressed out with new changes at work, new changes in our routines, things I keep forgetting until the last moment, money, bills, everyone else's needs.... you get the idea.  I had a 20 minute meeting with my calendar this morning and consulted all the hidden places I keep stashing all the things I need to do and tried to get it all in a centralized location.  Time will tell if I was successful in this feeble attempt at organization.  BREATHE

Need to fit in some afternoon/evening stretching/yoga/exercise.  I have been dealing with tension headaches for the past week (I also think an evil bra was a contributor as well).  My more-wonderful-than-usual husband was kind enough to try and work out a tiny percentage of the kinks running down from my skull to mid back.  I have this nagging feeling that getting back into a good full body stretching/exercise routine would be EXTREMELY helpful.  Have I convinced my lazy booty to do it yet?  Well... no, not completely... but I will attempt it.  Small steps. 

Also, what the hell is up with increased flab with no weight gain??  The scale today told me 170.8 which made me perfectly happy and yet... there are areas of flab that are much more grab-able and squishy.  WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?  Not nice... maybe my body is trying to convince my brain to get focused on the task at hand. 

Here we go... wish me luck!

Look OUT! The food pyramid is crashing to the ground!

HAH!  Did I really say "portion control"????  Yeah... okay... maybe a teeny bit of that going on.  It's been snack city around here today.  In my weak defense, I was a work-a-holic today with little time for making good eating choices.  The kids and I ate a loaf of banana bread.  That was our lunch and snacks.  Balanced?  Not even close, but hey, it could've been a drive through just to keep us going.  Of course that would have required my leaving the house which is not commonplace when work is keeping me busy.  Pizza for dinner and the one redeeming item... SALAD!!  With a high fat dressing!!  Yes I have read every diet tip, I have taken classes taught by dietitians.  What I am saying is, YES... I know better.  To top it off, we went to a football game and when I told the kids they could buy one snack item each they also brought back popcorn "for your snack mom!" so of course I had to eat that and now I wanna HURL.  Once made of corn... maybe.  Now has more chemical entities than a mad-scientist's lab... definitely.  EW, stomach ache express here we come!

Going walking in the AM, by myself if I must... oh and water, water, WATER!

Stagnant like a slimy pond

So this week my scale seems to be broken.  Blame it on the inanimate object without feelings.  On the plus side... not gaining for not trying real hard.  Consciously working on portion size and control.  For the first time in my life I am able to look at the food left before me knowing I am no longer hungry and NOT shovel it in until I burst.  That's right, I have even thrown it away!  I don't have to eat it because it tastes good or because it shouldn't go to waste or hell, even the usual: it's there.

Although I am not making progress I should be proud that I am strong and I have changed my life-long habits that were causing me constant grief!  So why am I still not jazzed?  Who knows, my mood has taken a plummet, probably just life crowding in and blocking the sun while the dark dirty algae multiplies in my soul.  Ok, ok, so it's not that bad.... anyone who knows me knows that I never sink that low (or rarely anyway).  So I'm just going to deal with the things within my realm of control and those that I can't, well... screw 'em! 

Slowly progressing toward wanting to exercise again.  Goal for this week is to take advantage of the last of the beautiful fall weather and get outside!  Only I can make me.

New week and... blah blah blah you know the rest

Almost forgot to hop on the scale this morning, that's how little I have been caring lately about tracking and managing my weight goals.  Dang it!  Why am I struggling?  Not really sure...  Seems that I am happy to be where I am at, but then again.... not really.  I am so ecstatic to not be making excuses of why my clothes don't fit or why I am hovering over the 200 lbs mark.  But there is still alittle piece of me that has now become accustomed to being back at a much more reasonable size for my body and now thinks ICK! YOU SHOULD BE DOING BETTER THAN THIS!  And what proactive and motivating activity does this alter-ego push me to do?  Run a mile? no... Ride my bike? no....  Go for a walk? no, no, no!  Take a bath and crawl into bed in the afternoon?  BINGO! 

Who doesn't battle with self-sabotage?  We all do everyday.  I don't care if someones life appears magical from the outside, even the most confident and happiest people are plagued with self doubt.  We fight it every minute of every day.  The most important weapon when fighting the bloody battle within your own brain is to always find the tiniest shred of a positive side to cling on to.  What's mine?  I have an amazing support system!  I have a husband who is FINALLY on board with getting healthier and making positive changes.  I have found a group of truly amazing and brave women who not only push me and encourage me to keep trying but are honest with each other and themselves.  Women live in a world that makes it so hard to be real and talk about the nitty gritty and be confident that we won't be stoned in a public square for being open and honest.  I also am confident in most of the decisions I make for my family.  Sometimes I screw it up, but whatever, can't go back and change it, so work with it and move forward, right?

So here we go!  Working with it and moving forward!
(And my wieght today? A yo-yo-ing 174)